Am I worthy of forgiveness?

Am I worthy of forgiveness?

Yes I am.

Because I am only human. I was not created with the ability of total submission that was bestowed to the angels. I was not created with the protection against committing sins the way the Prophets were.

I was born weak, and I make mistakes. I have temptations, desires, habits. I am driven by emotion and sometimes I am blinded by what I want, and so make wrong decisions in how to achieve them.

I am sometimes lost, sometimes caught in a vicious cycle of my own guilt. I feel shame, but instead of turning to Allah for His mercy, I retreat and hide further from Him. I forget that even if I don't turn to Him, I cannot conceal myself from Him. 

The damage is done, I have wronged. And I wrong myself even more when I overcome my shame and persist in my own wrongdoing until eventually I become immune from any guilt. When the road has come that far, I despair and think there is no turning back. 

I feel guilty … I walk around with haunted eyes, with a heavy heart and with my soul in darkness. I feel too dirty, too stained, too awful to be in His company or to face him with my impurities. 

I forget that from the time of Adam AS, we were born with the ability to exercise our choices, and sometimes we exercise them wrongly. I forget that Allah has shown us the way – to either turn back to Him for forgiveness, and reach the path of salvation, or to rebel, become arrogant and turn away from Him the way the Iblees did, thus paving the way to my own destruction. 

I believe in Allah, yet I doubt His Mercy. I am not convinced of His abounding love for me and I have pre-judged the situation. I despair in Allah's mercy, thinking that the blot upon my soul is too great for Him to eradicate. I forget that He is the Doer of all things, that nothing is beyond Him, nothing. Not even to forgive me for the weight of my sins.  

It has been said that a man's good deeds can lead him to jahannam, whereas a man's sins can lead him to jannah. This is because with the abundance of deeds, a man might be so arrogant of his achievements that his arrogance takes him to jahannam. Whereas, a man might feel such utter remorse for his contemptible actions that he turns back to Allah, on his hands, on his knees, on his forehead, in total and utter humility and repentance for his wrongs. And it might be the value of the repentance that takes him to jannah, because Allah loves those to repent to him. 

I have whisperings in my ear that it is too late, that Allah will no longer hear me because of the sins I bear. And I have to overcome them. I have to believe in the truth, for Allah has said that he will forgive me if I repent, even if my sins are the weight of a mountain or as much as the foam in the sea. I have to remember the truth, that Allah does not expect perfection from us, but rather the ability to try the best that we can. I have to remember that even if I fall again and again, Allah is there, waiting for me. I have to remember that I am a beloved creation of Allah, and that He wants me to succeed, and has given me all the guidance, chances, and abilities to make the wrong right, and to come back to the path of Allah. 

I have to remember that for as long as I do not associate anything with Allah, He will be merciful to me, and He will wipe the slate clean if I turn to Him in humility and sincerity. 

It is never too late for me. For as long as I can breathe and live and think, for as long as part of my beating heart still has faith in Allah's mercy, I can turn to him to forgive me. My worthiness of being forgiven is not based on what I think of myself, or what the people around me think of me. My worthiness of being forgiven is determined by Allah alone, and for as long as I have faith in His mercy, I have a chance, a hope, and a future. I have to expect the best from Allah, even in matters of the salvation of my own soul. 

So it is up to me, to walk away from the wrong that I have done, to truly feel sorry for the wrongs, and to make a commitment to try my utmost best not to repeat my mistakes. And I pray that Allah will accept my repentance, for I believe that Allah loves those who repent.