Marriage: between mirage, reality and responsibility
What is the common goal?
Whenever there is a union between two people, the binding force which lies at the core of the relationship should be a common goal. This is the overreaching objective to which the couple aspires to achieve. Without the mutuality of a destination, the journey will be paved with conflict and misdirection.
Many couples today confuse attraction with a commonality of goals. Choices of life partners ranging from having mutual likes and interests, having similar careers, financial status or educational backgrounds, and are otherwise driven by physical attraction or emotional bonds which are often mistaken as being concrete foundations for marital stability. All of these reasons are socially accepted, for how often has society disapproved when a couple is physically, socially or financially mismatched?
The alarming reality of the majority of marriages is that once the celebrations are over and the couple return home to start their lives together, they find that the initial thrill of the physical attraction fades, the common interests wear out, the bloom of the bridal beauty fades and the financial driver behind the union only leads to large houses which are devoid of happiness. The couples live in boredom and misery as the marriage becomes more and more out of synch. The arrival of children only adds to the conflict, as the couple head towards different directions in life. This is what commonly happens when matrimonial vows are made without any serious discussion or thought of what each party expects of the marriage, beyond the fulfillment of physical desires and the vague desire to spend a lifetime together.
If it is agreed that money, career and good looks are not in themselves fulfilling criteria for a contented life, why then are these criteria given so much prominence in the choice of a spouse?
The Ultimate Destination
The goal of a marriage should ideally be where the couple end up. Like all things in life, our aim is to live this life in order to attain a good and permanent dwelling in the hereafter. A husband or a wife is a means, a companion, to get us there. More specifically, a spouse provides companionship in our lives in order to reach our goal of reaching jannah.
If a Muslim’s aim is to establish a firm footing for the life in the hereafter, the criteria in the choice of a spouse will naturally be aligned with such aim. If one understands the fundamental purpose of life, then the priority in the choice of the spouse would also be clear. Superficial matters like status, income, physical attractiveness and family connections would all fall second place to the status of the potential spouse’s iman (faith), character and adab (manners and mannerism). Every Muslim should understand this.
This goes back to the fundamental question of what the purpose of a marriage is. If there is no commonality of a goal from the beginning, the initial bliss of marriage will be eroded by emotional conflict and emptiness, and the conflict and collision of different expectations and understanding. Often, couples get together because they have a few superficial things in common, but these elements are not strong enough for an enduring and sustainable partnership. When one partner changes directions or even switches hobbies, then the whole marriage cracks, because the very building blocks of their foundations were superficial to begin with.
Where is the Islam in our marriages, in the reasons behind marriage and the choice of spouse?
The Prophet saw said that there are four reasons that a man chooses a wife – based on her looks, her ancestry, her wealth and her faith and virtue, the last of the criteria being the best of them. Many of us have lost sight of that, and only look for the first three qualities.
Goal v necessity
True love does not come with candle lit dinners and romantic holidays. The love that endures is the one where one partner loves the other so much such that he wants to guide his partner towards everlasting happiness in the hereafter. The love that does not end is the love of the spouse’s soul and goodness, such that even if the physical form deteriorates over time, the ravages of childbirth, age and illnesses, the love is strong.
Any love story, no matter how beautiful, will end, because we will die. True love in marriage is not one of passion and adventure: the ultimate love in a marriage is the love of mercy and compassion. A love in marriage is not obsessive, it is one where things are kept on an even keel, and where all aspects of the married life are moulded in the way of life, mannerism and actions which are pleasing to Allah.
Many couples are now willing to compromise religious values and their lifestyles for the sake of love. This is especially predominant where one of the spouses does not come from a Muslim background or upbringing, but the other spouse agrees to the marriage anyway, either ignoring the glaring issues or in the hopes that things will get sorted out along the way. It then comes as no surprise that if one spouse, after years of living in disregard of Islamic principles, decides to turn back towards Allah, the other spouse will be rebellious and resistant to follow suit. Fights and bitterness will follow, and again, this is due to the fact that there was no compatibility of principles to begin with.
The fundamental reality is that when a couple love each other it should be for the sake of Allah.
In the early days if Islam, our predecessors had successful marriages because their criteria was the faith of their spouses in their Creator. Marriages were based on the ability of the other spouse to observe the edicts of Islam. As mentioned in an earlier article, the pious men of the early days married their daughters to those who were strong believers in preference over rulers and princes, in order that their daughters’ faith and journey to jannah remain uncompromised.
The integrity of character overrode all other material aspects which are so predominant in the choice of spouses today. Our predecessors understood that if a person has fear and respect of his Creator, other aspects of his behavior towards his family and society would follow suit. A successful career, beautiful physical features and an abundance of income never even factored into the equation. Their eyes were on a higher goal.
How many people have strength of character, humility and all other aspects of behavior encouraged by the sunnah, only to be rejected on the grounds of looks and income? How many people mistakenly think that a string of degrees would buy their daughters more happiness than an appreciative husband who understands and implements his role in the Islamic household? How many parents would be too embarrassed to permit the union between their child and someone who does not have a high status in society, but has all the per requisites of a suitable Islamic spouse, and yet would willingly entrust their daughter’s fate to the hands of a ill mannered millionaire twice her age?
Principle v Desire
To those who make their own choices when picking a spouse, how many of those choices are made with an Islamic goal in mind? Is attraction based on physical appearances, or some other characteristic or talent which is irrelevant to Islam? In a checklist of ten points, how many of these relate to a person’s Islam and manner, and how many are instead related to the type of career, the ability to have a good time, the popularity and the overall physical chemistry? Such being the criteria, would the result be a marriage upon which Allah will descend tranquility over the couple?
Time and time again, marriages are based on the goals of desire and dunia. Unlike the early days where lack of adab (good behaviour) and iman (faith) would have been deal breakers in the selection process, beauty or an impressive high flying job are now sufficient compensating factors for the lack of Islam in their hearts and lives. A person’s connection with Allah is not even a relevant factor, as many mistakenly believe that the wealth, good looks and connections of the spouse are sufficient to provide everlasting happiness and security.
Such being the case, the marriage will hardly be able to survive a crisis. Those whose love is generated by looks will lose interest when the beauty fades, those who marry for wealth will not be able to sustain in times of financial crisis. Repeatedly, those who marry for the sake of dunia will find themselves short changed in respect of long term happiness.
Consider if the marriage will generate a legacy on earth, in the kingdom of Allah and the history of mankind? Invest in books about marriage in Islam, duties of husband and wife, and manner, but understand what your own role is first before you look at the role of your future spouse.
Think of the amount of effort we make to please our professors or bosses. Think of how much emphasis we place on bank statement and how happy we feel when our balance goes up. Do we think about death and our accountability in respect of our role in society? Similarly, what about our family, future children and society? Think.
