PART 1 – WHERE DO I BEGIN?
In many countries today, a prerequisite to a marriage is to submit basic information about yourself and to undergo a medical test to screen whether you have any communicable diseases. That is about all the information that they are looking for. Looking at the high incidents of failed marriages, whether Muslim or non Muslim, one wonders whether there should be a proper qualification test to determine whether the couple is indeed ready to embark upon married life!
After all, we do the same thing when driving a car. We want to get around, we desire a car, and we have the physical capability to drive it. However, we are not allowed to drive until we have undergone the training, the road test, familiarized ourselves with road rules and regulations, and developed basic safety knowledge so that we do not hurt others and prevent others from harming us.
You want to get married. You may be physically able and ready, but do you have the knowledge, the character, manner and maturity to be a husband or a wife, a mother or a father, to be physically, spiritually and emotionally responsible to someone other than yourself?
During the time of the Prophet SAW, there didn’t seem to be such concerns. However, it was a different time, because the youth then were always in the company of beautifully mannered and knowledgeable men and women, from whom they absorbed knowledge and understanding which helped them develop their manner and character. This allowed them to become men and women – emotionally, spiritually and mentally mature – from a young physical age.
Today, our society has changed. Life flashes by at a high speed, the father is at work all day and comes home tired at night, and sometimes so does the mother. Parents nowadays have little time or are too occupied to teach their children about life, consigning this responsibility instead to the education system. Children are cloistered in school until the late teens, during which time they live in an artificial environment which is out of touch with the real world. Parents are increasingly disinterested and uninvolved in their children’s lives and bombard them with toys, luxuries and vacations which they think is what the children need to make them happy even if it makes them hollow. Children spend their pivotal formative years in the company of friends who are equally hollow and deprived of proper adult company and guidance, and subject to an education regime that gives them only the knowledge of success in dunia, rather than on emotional, personal or spiritual growth. It is not common for the young to seek the interaction of the older ones, for children are now taught that they can gain all the knowledge they need from school and college.
Because of this, we lack a basic understanding of life. We are emotionally stunted and flounder at life’s challenges. Think of a person who buys an advanced recipe book without understanding the basic elements and terminology of cookery. He may have purchased all the ingredients and utensils, but he will not have the skill to follow the recipe properly because of his inexperience and lack of familiarity with cooking techniques; and the dish will be a flop. Marriage is similar, we may be at the right physical age and have the financial means to get married, but has anyone ever prepared us for the responsibilities that accompany marriage? When we get married, we work out the details of our future house, the car, the financial obligations, but what about the core questions: Who am I? What can I give? What do I want from the other person? What is the purpose of the marriage? And the most important decision: who should I choose?
Follow these series and you will realize that much of the answer lies in yourself and what you want, and from there, the rest will fall into place, insha Allah.
How Do I Know if This is the One for Me?
We can’t choose our families, and we certainly can’t divorce them, but we can choose our friends and our spouses. The choice of spouse is perhaps the most important personal decision in your life.
Why is this choice so important? Think of people buying a car because they like its fancy appearance. They buy because of the looks, not paying attention to performance, reliability, quality or maintenance. After a short time, the car turns out to be problematic, and much time, money and effort is spent repairing the car until eventually the car has to be thrown away. It is the same with a blouse or t-shirt, how many times have we bought something that looks so stunning, but after the first wash, we discovered that the material and workmanship was poor, and all the glamour is gone. Similarly, we end up frustrated, having lost time, money, and feeling deceived.
These are small but real examples. With all the effort that we put into our car and clothes, we should be even more critical and cautious when choosing a spouse. This person will be the one that we will spend our lives with, and their presence in our lives will have a huge impact on us.
How do I choose the right person? How do I know if the other person is compatible with me? How do I know if this person is for real? The questions are daunting, especially if you are young and have not had much experience in life.
For this, you need to be clear in your thinking. Marriage is not a decision to be made when you are overcome by attraction or when love has clouded your judgment. While all of us look for everlasting love in our spouse, the choice has to be guided by principle, not by passion. Someone mentioned that women now place more time choosing their bridal outfits than they do their grooms, it may be amusing, but it can lead to tragic consequences!
You should choose your spouse according to your goal in life. What are you planning to do with your life? What do you want from life, as a man, woman, husband or wife? If you can decide what your goal is, then you can determine the kind of incorporation and partnership you want to have. From there, you will know what you are hoping to generate from your marriage and what you are hoping to create in the next generation.
You need to set your goal first, and once your aim has been set, then you should choose someone who has a similar goal in life. You will get your spouse according to what you want and the status of your soul. It cannot work any other way.
Our Relationship With The Creator
If you are looking for a husband or wife, go back to your goal in life and your relationship with the Creator. Our pillar in life should be the consciousness of Allah. If you fear Allah and your relationship or marriage is for Allah, Allah will regulate your relationship with each other.
Rasulullah SAW used to recite the following verses in his sermons on marriage:
Surah An Nisa, Verse 1: O mankind! Be dutiful to your Lord, Who created you from a single person (Adam), and from him (Adam) He created his wife [Hawwa (Eve)], and from them both He created many men and women and fear Allah through Whom you demand your mutual (rights), and (do not cut the relations of) the wombs (kinship).
Surah Al Ahzab, Verse 71: He will direct you to do righteous good deeds and will forgive you your sins. And whosoever obeys Allah and His Messenger (SAW) he has indeed achieved a great achievement (i.e. he will be saved from the Hell-fire and made to enter Paradise).
Surah Ali Imran, Verse 103: O you who believe! Fear Allah (by doing all that He has ordered and by abstaining from all that He has forbidden) as He should be feared. [Obey Him, be thankful to Him, and remember Him always], and die not except in a state of Islam (as Muslims) with complete submission to Allah.
When you look at these verses, it is a reminder of us as believers, that the pillar of everything is the taqwa of Allah – the relationship, respect and fear of Allah. In today’s lifestyle however, the opposite is now applied. People choose their spouses based on attraction, feelings and short term goals, undermining the other important purposes of marriage.
What do I want in Life?
A fundamental key to this search is to ask yourself what your goal is. Do you really know what you want? If you find yourself nodding, then try writing down what your objectives are in life. These should be clear and defined goals, not vague ones like “I want to be happy”, “I want children” or “I don’t want to live like that”.
Assess whether these goals are final and clear enough. Will you change your mind next week and come up with a different list?
If you do not know what you want, you are not ready to have a partner in your life. If you are unstable within, then it will be impossible for anyone to make you happy. If your values keep changing, or you are not focused – living in extreme dunia one day and looking for Allah another day, wanting to live in Asia one minute and Canada the next – no one will be able to keep up with you!
To know the kind of person you want as a spouse, you have to know who you are first, and from there who you need to help you achieve what you want.
Many youths are now unstable and have been corrupted by material pleasures. They have no idea what they want, their goal in life constantly changes according to the moment. What is the outcome of the marriage if both are clueless with no definite aim in life? If both get married for physical attraction, what will happen when the honeymoon is over? The couple enjoys an hour of fun, but what about the 23 hours of reality and responsibility that comes with the package?
Human beings grow according to their knowledge and understanding of life. For the majority, we act hastily, with arrogance and lack of maturity. Many get married when they are not yet stable and do not have a vision of life. Later on, when their maturity increases, or their understanding of life or goal changes, then the collision starts. That is why the secret is to do the homework now, not later on when years have gone by, by which time we already have children and find that we have picked the wrong spouse.
Marriage is not just a personal choice made for satisfying individual desires, because your spouse and your children pay the price if you choose wrongly. Choosing a spouse is not like choosing a t-shirt or a blouse that you can return if you do not like it. Husbands and wives don’t come with a receipt or warranty!
Therefore study, read and define yourself for the most crucial personal decision you can make in your life.
Before you ask for someone’s hand in marriage, ask yourself:
- What is my goal in life?
- What is my goal in marriage?
- Am I mature enough to enter married life?
- Am I ready to accommodate a spouse into my life?
- Do I have the qualities to be a parent?
- Can I carry out my role as the nucleus of society?
- Am I ready to be responsible for someone other than myself?
If you do not have clear answers to all of these, then you are not ready to be a husband or a wife. Don’t feel rushed or pressured if you are not ready. Being ready physically is not enough, you have to be ready emotionally, mentally and spiritually. Marriage is supposed to be a lifelong union, so taking a bit of extra time to make your decision is better than spending a lifetime in a sour or broken marriage.
Take time and develop yourself first, achieve stability of who you are and what you want, before entering into this very important partnership.
