What is wrong with our wedding celebrations?
At the time of marriage, our Islamic values are undermined and even obliterated. This leads to irresponsible choices, and have transformed weddings into displays of status and ostentation. The very institution of marriage itself is lacking observance of the sunnah.
Islamic marriage celebrations are supposed to be simple, understated and modest. On the day of the marriage ceremony, the father has to hand the daughter over to the husband. After the marriage has been consummated, then a wedding feast is hosted to feed the poor as a token of gratitude to Allah for the happy occasion.
Today, weddings are mostly to display the social standing of the respective families. Countless marriages are delayed to accommodate the schedules of family members, as otherwise they will get upset and this will cause friction for decades to come. The interest of the couple takes a backseat. Marriages can take years to plan, to become a glittering and showy affair, with immense pressure on the guests to attend from all over the world despite the prohibitive costs. There is little thought for Allah, because the focus is on the bride’s dress, make up artist, flower arrangements and caterers. All these levels of showing off are contrary to the teachings of Islam.
The underlying issue is not the wedding ceremony itself rather than the lack of faith of the key persons involved. Gone are the days of the Companions where an iron ring (not even one made of semi precious metal!) would suffice as the dowry.
If every girl were raised to be the role model for Allah, and be willing to forego the wedding dress, celebrations, jewellery and other excessive expenses, and instead spends that equivalent amount for sabeelillah, imagine how blessed that marriage would be from the very outset.
The problem, which is not just specific to wedding celebrations, is not the knowledge, for that can be obtained easily, but the niyyah to carry out that knowledge.
Reported by ‘Umar bin Al-Khattab (RA): Messenger of Allah (SAW) said, “The deeds are considered by the intentions, and a person will get the reward according to his intention. So whoever emigrated for Allah and His Messenger, his emigration will be for Allah and His Messenger; and whoever emigrated for worldly benefits or for a woman to marry, his emigration would be for what he emigrated for”. [Bukhari & Muslim]
How many potential brides and grooms put their feet down and refuse an elaborate wedding? In the time of marriage, we disregard the rules of Allah, and often parents are to blame. There has been more than one incident of the parents forcing their children to incorporate cultural rituals into the ceremony, even if these rituals imitate pagan beliefs, and if the child refuses, the mother will invoke the “jannah is under my feet” card or some other ugly form of emotional blackmail.
Yet on the other side of the coin, if the couple is mature enough to get married and start a family, then what prevents them from speaking the truth? We can stand up against our parents to assert our rights in the matters of dunia but not in matters of akhirah. Despite any beard, hijab or niqab, the reality of the daughters and the parents expose the true lack of iman. The parents make the choice for the daughters while disregarding the guidelines set by Allah. How hawk eyed they are on the brand of cars and shoes, but willing to overlook the lack of any Islam.
Reported by Abu Hurairah (RA): The Prophet (peace be upon him) said, “A woman is married for four things: for her wealth, for her lineage, for her beauty or for her piety. Select the pious, may you be blessed!” [Bukhari & Muslim].
Yet we reject this advice because we think that the hadith is out-dated and irrelevant. We apply what we think is better, which is inevitably a choice based on passion, emotions, materialism and superficiality. Sadly, this is also a choice motivated by the parents and the education inculcated from within the family. How many mothers start the day by asking for a blessed day for herself and her children, discuss ahadeeth or the Companions as part of their routine conversations or about akhirah? The focus is usually on exam results, the best schools and the best bakery for the next birthday cake.
Preserving the next generation
In life, we are supposed grab the opportunity to perform any good deed before the door is permanently closed, whether by illness, death or other circumstances. As husband or wife, what do you want from each other and from your children? What is the mother attentive about – the size of the children, the status, or their status in Islam? What defines the qualities in the children?
The responsibility is not only for the women to shoulder. Men are supposed to be the role models and leaders of their household, but many husbands do not demonstrate the shining leadership and qualities required of the head of the family. To make it harder for the husband, he is forced to work extra hard to meet the material demands of the family, comes home exhausted and then is given a hard time for not giving enough attention to the family.
When we talk about our marriages, we are more concerned about what we will report to our mothers, relatives and friends. What is the value if everyone approves of what you are doing but Allah is angry with you?
Upbringing children requires a heart and someone who is truly committed to please Allah. For example, are we ready to cut back on the expenses to allow working parents to spend more time with the family?
If we are with Allah, He will be on our side in everything we do. We will be guided in all our decisions and the effect is that our marriage and children will be for Allah. We are hesitant, but look at what Allah has given us despite all the mistakes and sins we commit. Look at the amount of Allah’s forgiveness and mercy, including over all of our secret sins that Allah has cloaked from everyone else. Who is stopping us from reaching out to Allah?
If you marry for Allah, the joy is immense. We cannot choose our blood relatives, but we can choose our friends and spouses. The only decision that we are allowed to make by ourselves of our own free will, is who we will marry. At this stage, on such a crucial issue, we should not push Allah and His messenger out of the equation, for how can the result be a happy household? On the contrary, it can be a wedding cursed by Allah because it has nothing to do with Allah. How can one then have blessed children? Rasulullah SAW reminded Fatimah RA, his daughter, that the husband is the key to jannah or jahannam. However, many men exploit that license as use this as a tool of threatening and oppressing! And this leads to a new generation of abuse reaching to the offspring.
If you want to break this cycle, then have dignity and be for Allah. Consult with Allah on the choice of spouse, and Allah will choose for you. However, be prepared that the choice may not be what you like, in terms of looks, size, age or money. A spouse selected by Allah has nothing to do with all these elements, because the goal should be the person who will lead you and your children to jannah, the partner with the right criterion who will help raise the next generation of the ummah to elevate the deen of Allah.
The mother of Maryam AS asked for the child in her womb to be pious and to belong to Allah in order to carry the message. She gave birth to a girl even though she was hoping for a boy. Allah accepted her du’a by giving her a child who would grow up chaste and untouched by man, and who would give birth to Isa AS of a pure mother without the intervention of a father. Do mothers generally carry this kind of hope when they are carrying their child? We have misunderstood the reason of having children – originally, to carry the message, but now, in order to have something cute to cuddle and show off, and to inherit our property.
All this can be cured with a proper journey of iman. This will free you from all the social stereotypes and dunia pressures, and everything you do will attract a blessing from Allah.
Both husband and wife, mother and father, should work together in their self development. Otherwise, neither of them is qualified to be a role model, and if that were the case, what kind of values and qualities will be imparted to the children? Where both parents are busy, then from where is the child supposed to obtain his moral compass and personal values? To compound the issue, parents then over-compensate their lack of quality time by pampering their children instead of preparing them for adulthood.
The family unit is the nucleus of the ummah, but if these units are hollow, lacking in values, compassion or social awareness, then how can we even complain about our overall lack of unity and leadership?
After what you have read, if you are a man, you should assess what you are doing to develop your manhood, character, manner and goal in life, and what you are going to do in order to achieve it. For women, consider how you are going to develop the qualities of a woman, being the mother and role model of the future generation.
We are in a huge state of confusion, because we are uneducated about the basics of Islam, and consequently, we lack direction, purpose and goal in life. If we lack these basics, the nafs and shaitan overpower us and we ignore the purpose of life and what our duties to ourselves and others are.
Each of us counts. Ask yourself, do you want to be the pioneer, role model, hero and the one that everyone tries to emulate? Do you want to be ones who choose and marry for the sake of Allah, in order to establish the pillar of society? If so, the first step is to develop yourself in preparation for that role.
We are the ones who will take up the banner of Islam and responsibility on our shoulders, and we should do what it takes. To bring up our children, we have to develop ourselves first. We cannot pass on values which we lack. Let’s wake up to the reality, and not be in denial any further. We should inculcate the integrity and responsibility to carry the future of the ummah, individually and collectively, with each of us being responsible and ready to answer to Allah for what we have done. May Allah allow you and I to be a role model to mankind and elevate the banner of Islam, ameen.
