WHAT IS THE PURPOSE OF MARRIAGE?
Nucleus of the Ummah
Every action that we take in life should be guided by the four pillars that Allah SWT has ordained for us.
Purpose– the fundamental reason for carrying out any action, the purpose on which our intention or niyyah is based.
Jurisprudence – the set of rules and regulations to govern us in the way we do things.
Adab – this is the manner in which we are to achieve our purpose. It is the Islamic protocol in getting things done. This manner is evident in our behaviour, character and conduct.
Reward – the hope of the reward as promised by Allah, if we start off with the right purpose and implement it with the right adab.
All Muslims are bound by a social contract. Our obligations are not just to ourselves, but extend to society and the ummah at large.
Marriage has many purposes. Some, we are aware of – companionship, intimacy, starting a family – all these are valid purposes which drive us, on an individual level, to satisfy our personal emotional and physical needs.
However, among all the various purposes of marriage, from an Islamic viewpoint, the main purpose is to generate the nucleus of any nation, which is the family unit: to generate a people who worship their Lord, spread goodness and carry the covenant of the message. A marriage is the start of the unit from which the family is propagated. The family is the nucleus of the community, the society and eventually the nation.
If you want to know the future of a civilization – any civilization, look at its youth. The youth is the fuel of any nation – and it is the role of the parents to provide the right environment to train and groom their children to be the next generation to carry the banner of Islam.
The impact is obvious. If there is unity and tranquility within the family, the family unit will be strong. The community will benefit from the foundation of solid family structures, and from there, the ummah will thrive. If the family unit is weak, the husband, wife and children will be in chaos, turmoil and disunity. Eventually, the nation will be weak, as the foundation is weak.
A strong family unit is a building block of the ummah. Marriage does not merely serve an individual need, but it holds the more critical role of protecting and saving society from corruption.
From Household to Household
If we examine the early history of Islam, Islam spread within family units, from household to household. From within the marital home and the family structure, the husband and wife spread Islam and educated mankind, by setting the role model for their offspring and for society.
When Islam started in Mecca, in the beginning and the early bloom of the revelations, it was centred in one house, and from this one house the message spread to different houses. This highly individualized approach developed the men and women of early Islam, where each person, rich in faith, knowledge and piety, was a nation in himself. Each one of them was the generator, spark and spreader of the message to the Arabic Peninsular and then to the rest of mankind. According to different reports, there were between 200 to 400 men and women who carried the message at this time. When we study each one of their achievements, it should make us shy and feel almost diminished in comparison. They were taught by the Prophet SAW, and all their actions were driven by the message of Islam. They lived and sacrificed for the message. Similarly, when they married, it was for the message, which came above all other personal desires and emotions.
Hence, Islam started in the home, not in the masjid. In the early days of Islam, when the Companions went to the masjid, they brought the faith, value and light cultivated from their homes with them. They were men and women who had a lot of deen, faith and quality, and the masjid became a platform from which the light of Islam was spread. Contrast that with today, where the masjid has become corrupted because of the diseases of the heart and cultural sickness that we bring from our homes.
What is the goal?
Many people misunderstand the purpose of marriage, and because of that, prioritize wrongly when it comes to choosing a spouse. For example, majority of people think that marriage is a means of physical enjoyment and material comfort, and therefore choose husbands and wives who are good looking or rich or with a high status. The goal and principal behind marriage has been overlooked, in fact, many are not even aware of it.
Some others are motivated by personal reasons – such as wanting to live an independent life away from parents, or because they are lonely, not because they have any particular long term goal or plan. Such people see marriages as a platform, but from that temporary platform, where do they go? That is why many marriages cannot weather a severe crisis – because it lacked an overriding purpose.
The physical satisfaction and companionship, which is what most potential husbands and wives look for in a marriage, is a gift from Allah, and a tiny enjoyment in light of the weighty responsibilities that are attached with this institution. When people get married with the primary goal of satisfying their base desires, there is a tendency for them to get bored once the thrill wears off, and then they find that the marriage is empty and lacking a concrete goal – in short, they hit a brick wall and are going nowhere.
In failing to understand the purpose of marriage, many people enter into this institution with a vague approach, not having an idea of what they want. The union lacks focus and direction. We have been indoctrinated with fairy tales and love stories from Hollywood and Bollywood, and have unrealistic ideas on what marriage is all about. Ultimately, when the novelty wears off, couples realize that marriage is a responsibility which many cannot shoulder. The husband offloads this responsibility to the wife and the wife offloads this responsibility to her husband – and both blame each other for the boredom, chaos and conflict.
Marriage is a Corporation
As women, do we ever consider whether the man has the qualities to be the future father and the anchor of the family, the one who will join us in the most important corporation on earth, which is the family unit? As men, do we analyse whether the woman is really the one who carries the quality to be the mother and teacher of our children and the partner of the achievement of our own goals?
Do we, as husband and wife, have a goal in the first place and get married to support each other to achieve this goal? Prior to the marriage, do we know what we want, on an individual level and what our expectations are from the marriage? When we see a potential candidate, do we have frank and transparent discussions on what we hope to achieve from the marriage and from each other? Things like physical beauty should not even factor into such discussion, as the real issues are significantly more crucial. If we do not address such fundamental issues, and have no commonality of purpose, one partner will head east while the other heads south, and the marriage itself is like a runaway train.
Think of marriage is a corporation. Every successful corporation has a goal, and they carefully select the suitable CEO and team to achieve this goal. All good companies have a mission statement – what their objectives are and what they need to do to achieve these objectives. Everyone has a role to play, and everyone is guided and united by the principles and charter of the corporation.
We should, when thinking of forming our lifelong corporation, think this way. We should not be hasty, emotional and materialistic in the decision making process. Otherwise, we risk the breakdown of the family structure, the children will be lost, and we will end up crying, blaming, complaining and feeling frustrated. There is little benefit crying over our decision when it is too late. However, because of our hasty judgment, the one that will suffer the consequences will be the children, society and the future nation.
Marriage is a lot larger than being a means to satisfy our individual needs for companionship. It is not fun and games where couples are eager to play “house” and have a new adventure. Each family unit that arises from our union can either be a pillar and part of the elevation of the message of Allah, or the cause of the disgrace of the message of Allah. Similarly, a family can either be the cause of strengthening the fabric of the nation and cause the elevation of the nation, or it can the tear in the fabric of the nation, and lead to the fall of the nation. There is no third option.
If you are not already married, think who you are, and which role you play, and which role you want to play.
