What will Endure?
All the relationships in life are bound to fail and will not benefit us, except only one: the relationship between two people bonded purely and sincerely only for the Almighty Creator. Look at how the Companions’ friendships endured, through the harshest of circumstances – persecution, wars, migrations, poverty and even death. That is because their bond was for the sake of Allah, not for fleeting common interests. This is the real relationship, as opposed to the fake or superficial relationships that many of us have with each other.
A relationship for the sake of Allah, as one scholar puts it, starts after death. Our relationship between each other for the Almighty Creator will never die. Even our death is the beginning, and we can benefit each other in this life and in the hereafter until the Day of Judgment.
Why? Because the glue between each other is the Almighty Allah, Who will never die, Who will never change and Who will never vanish. This makes the bond genuine and enduring. If the intention is real, the strength of the relationship will never deteriorate.
Admittedly, this is very rare. It needs two people who have a faith and willingness to generate this relationship only for the Almighty. The goal is so noble that they are willing to turn a blind eye to the mistakes, imperfections and shortcomings of each other. Hence, the relationship is not for beauty, body, money, status, or the superficial, for all these can change any time. The relationship is purely for love of Allah.
Should I Forgive?
There is a big difference between the friend who makes a mistake, lacks ability to deliver, or simply does not possess the qualities of a good person or friend. It is important to distinguish between them.
For example, if he does not bail you out financially because he lacks money himself, cannot be there physically to help you because he is living far away or cannot comfort you through your relationship problems because he is nursing a terminally ill family member, these are limitations on his part which we have to respect.
Additionally mistakes will always occur. None of us are perfect.
However, if the person lacks quality, that is different. For example, if the person does not have a good moral character or is intrinsically selfish. These characteristics are less obvious in everyday interaction. We only see certain aspects of a person at a time, usually only the good side. Under strain or different circumstances, a new facet is revealed. It is something that we have never seen before, but something that was always there all along. During times of need, the person shows an ugly, selfish or cruel side. It is this category of person that causes the most hurt.
Human beings are imperfect, so do not harbour unrealistic expectations of them. We cannot expect them to be indispensible and indestructible. No one cannot be expected to be there for us for infinity. We should distinguish between the imperfections, mistakes and bad character.
If the other person has a moral character which does not match our values, then predictably, he will let us down. The damage is done, this friendship is going on a wrong road. Once we realize the truth of the person, we should stop, turn back and get back onto the right road with those we can rely upon.
Forgiveness and tolerance need judgment. If the person made a mistake, we should forgive. If the person had limitations, we should respect it. But at the same time, we should not tolerate repeat incidents – unpaid debts, consistently unreliable behaviour, broken promises, or continuous lies. We should not blind ourselves and reinforce all the prolonged abuse of the relationship under the banner of “friendship” or “loyalty”.
How to Choose and Distinguish?
Let us re-examine our expectations. If the relationship was shallow, it means that the bond was fake, the other person is fake, and maybe we too, are fake. We have to be united in core values, otherwise the rest will not match and the relationship will be short lived.
This goes back to the crux of any friendship. Does it benefit, or does it cause repeated agonies and crises? Friendship means we are bonded to each other, but what is the bond? What was the original goal in this friendship?
This topic is deep because your friendships will unfold according to who you are, your faith, integrity, goal in life and what you are looking for. The hollow person will attract a hollow companion, the deceiver will attract a deceiver, the sincere finds the sincere. Therefore, look to yourself as the starting point.
What does this mean? Be real, humble yourself, try to a journey of discovery, not of other person, but of yourself. What is your purpose of life? Who are you? What are your good and bad qualities? If you are planning for a company or a friend, how and what are you planning to give?
One of the early scholars said that if you find one real friend in your lifetime, you are lucky. If you find two, you are a liar. The fool is the one who has a good friend and loses him. The other is the one who doesn’t look to earn a good friendship in this life.
Keep seeking the right companion. Gaining one or losing one is not a problem, but which one do you gain, and which one do you lose? Every time you discover a friend is a fake or has no quality, do not consider it a loss, but rather, consider it a gain if that person is not in your life.
If we do not support and reinforce each other for the sake of goodness and enhancing our lives, if we do not benefit each other, what is the value of this relationship? This is not a question for anyone, but only for the mature, who can reflect on these issues and who wants to grow as a person.
Once you have found that friend, remember that one of the main elements of a relationship is to respect it and try to accommodate each other, to respect each other’s perspective in life and to grow together, instead of departure from each other at every turning point.
