ALL ABOUT HIJAB

It was the right thing to do, clumsy as my scarf looked. It took me months to get the hang of it (including many hours surfing YouTube hijab tutorials!) But once the initial distress passed, what enveloped me immediately was a feeling of utter peace. Part of it was the relief that I had done the right thing, and was brave enough to assert who I was and what I stood for.

At the beginning, when I saw my reflection, I was reminded of a purple/pink/whatever colour-of-scarf-lollipop. And sometimes I broke out in giggles, because honestly, the scarf was not a look I could carry off very well. I harboured no illusions about how it impacted my appearance. Strangely though, it amused rather than bothered me. Life was too short, I decided, to be perpetually self-conscious. Perhaps no one would ever find me attractive ever again, so what? Does it really matter? Should I be defined as a piece of meat, all external, or is it who I am inside that counts? If someone is repulsed by my appearance because I choose to dress modestly, is that person worth my time? So I held my head high and got on with life.

Now, six months down the line …

The day I donned the scarf, I posted on my FB page– “Sometimes, when you do something right, the actual action turns out to be much easier than what you imagined it to be”. And, it’s been incredibly easy, Alhamdulillah. It has not changed my relationship with the people nearest and dearest to me, whether they are Muslims or not. And well, if it had, they would not have been my friends to begin with. It turns out I had nothing to fear. All I feel is peace. There is a bigger picture to focus on: our purpose in life, and where we go from here.

The ironic part is that the only people who have made barbed comments about my scarf are … other so-called Muslims, who feel betrayed that I have brought Islam back to the Stone Age by covering my hair. Astaghfirullah, these Muslims gave me more stinging remarks and ultimatums than those who we perceive to be the non-Muslims and disbelievers. May Allah guide them. But that’s another, totally different, and absolutely ugly topic.

But more positively it’s very liberating being able to walk down the main streets without drawing unwanted attention, pervy comments, requests for phone numbers etc. People treat me with more respect, more deference. They pay attention to who I am, rather than what I look like.

On the first day of work with the hijab, when I was having a slight confidence crisis about my looks (note: shiny purple scarf is NOT recommended if you have a perfectly round skull), my Jordanian colleague, who had recently started wearing a hijab herself, kissed me on the cheek and reminded me that I was wearing a crown of honour. A crown of honour! What a dignified way of articulating it. And she was the first of many, who gave me their support, most of them discreetly. I was not alone I discovered. I had an entire network of people who were behind me in their own quiet way, giving me their du’a and encouragement that I needed.

I no longer have to be worried about a bad hair day, though truth be told, it initially took me longer to tie a scarf decently than a full wash and blow at a salon would. So many things to remember. All hair covered, no straggly bits showing. Neck fully covered. Attempt to cover the chest as much as possible without making it look like I’m wearing a bib. Scarf symmetrical around the face, impossible at first due to inexperienced fingers. Do not stick pin in scalp or earlobe. Do not strangle self.

There have been some changes in lifestyle. That’s inevitable, because as you change, so do your values. There are certain aspects of my life before that I sometimes miss. But these are so minor in the grand scheme of things, and when I feel a pang, I simply remind myself of what a mess my life was before, how rediscovering Islam has saved me, and how I am anxious to please Allah to make up for a lifetime of frivolity, and then things fall back into perspective again.

Some friends say I look older, some say I look younger, well whatever. I am who I am. The feeling of dignity, peace and security that I have felt ever since my cover up is a feeling that I would not trade for anything in this world. I have not regretted my decision, not for a minute. Every day, it’s a renewed choice, every day, it’s a refreshment of my niyyah (intention). I could go out right now, wearing my old wardrobe, letting my hair down, and no one would give me a hard time for it. But I don’t want to. I’ve made my choice. Praise and thanks to Allah for instilling these emotions in my heart.

Am I spiritually worthy of wearing this scarf, am I a worthy ambassador of Islam? I don’t know. I know that many times I fall short of the required benchmark. But I try. And it’s an ongoing effort which has its own ups and downs.

And over the months, once I got used to my appearance, something else happened. Something quite unbelievable. I realise that beauty has nothing to do with appearance. And I have never felt so confident and beautiful in my life as I do now, Alhamdulillah.

Originally submitted by the same author on http://www.igotitcovered.org/2012/02/21/my-cover-up/