CLOSING THE CHAPTER
So let’s say some aspect of a relationship didn’t work out. There was a misunderstanding or a falling out with someone. Someone wronged you. Some hurtful words were spoken. There may have been a parting of ways – a divorce, or you are still in touch, but still disturbed and hurt by what happened.
You know that you should move on but somehow… it still feels raw.
You are afraid to visit some places, because you know it will provoke certain memories. You avoid certain friends for the same reason. Even browsing through social media is like walking in an emotional minefield. Time has passed, but you can’t seem to close the chapter.
OUR TRUE OPPRESSORS
Even if we have been wronged, most of the real oppression comes from ourselves. How? We may have been hurt once, but when we keep allowing our thoughts to relive the various incidents of pain, heartbreak and injustice that has been done to us, we keep victimising ourselves afresh.
We may not realize it, but when we replay the unpleasant incident – whether by talking, thinking or writing about it, we are re-opening our wounds. Instead of healing, we are creating bigger injuries and more scars. Each recollection hurts us afresh; like physical wounds, emotional ones can also become poisonous and infected.
Nobody benefits from this. The one who has wronged us will not feel our anguish, and are probably oblivious to the pain they caused in the first place. However, it is not the wrongdoer to be blamed if three years later, we are still crying over The Big Fight, or The Final Argument, or The Incident.
So we may have been betrayed, cheated, lied to. We may have had our hearts crushed. Such is life. People are not perfect and they are bound to create emotional injuries to one other. The Qur’an repeatedly tells us that we were created as a trial for each other. But the truth is, the oppression of others to us is multiplied many times over by our own oppression to ourselves. This happens when we keep dwelling on the details of such ugliness, and spilling fresh tears by recollecting things which are best forgotten. We have no one to blame but ourselves for the continuing hurt.
This behaviour is unhealthy. Numerous people post their traumatic experiences and personal scandals on blogs or Facebook, articulating their pain to the public under the banner of “artistic license”. Others do it under the pretext of appearing strong, to convince others that they have moved on, when in reality, a person who has moved on is always silent about the past. There are yet others who claim they have buried the past but in reality are digging into it every day with their bare hands. Worse, there is usually a generous measure of backbiting in the process, transferring a good amount, if not all, their good deeds to the wrongdoer in the eyes of God.
As a result, many people deny themselves a second chance at happiness, punishing themselves and rebuffing others – “I was hurt before, I will never get married again”, “This person lied to me, I will never trust anyone again” and other variations of the same theme.
Studies have been conducted into the power of repeating ideas of people inside themselves. These studies found that one of the most powerful factors of the people who lose themselves – jail, psychological meltdowns, suicide – is not the original trauma which happened to them, but is the amount of re-enactment of the incident in their minds. They generate the drama of their suffering internally, over and over again, until they believe and live out what they repeat. This internal replaying leads to a self-fulfilling prophecy ranging from victimisation to hatred that will influence future behaviour and relationships.
If we relive this drama by ourselves, we are the ones who generate the distress; and this leads to emotional paralysis. Soon we will find our time, the prime of our lives, beauty, finances and intelligence wasted – simply because we are stuck in a self imposed emotional stalemate.
This is the real killer, when we destroy ourselves by our own hands. An example is when a woman loses a man she loves (or vice versa). When Allah gives her a better man, she cannot love him. Why? She is so preoccupied and pained by her previous experience, that she cannot let go. She clings to the baggage of her past to the point that she loses her own present, no matter how beautiful it may be. These studies conclude that the majority of people lose themselves and their future, not through a negative or sad incident, but through the amount of internal repetition of such incidents. Now imagine if this is how one deals with all the sad incidents of life – the tragedy is multiplied and amplified to the point that all the collective incidents become the core of the person’s existence.
This is why for some people, it takes the smallest trigger – a venue, a word, a meal – for all these painful memories to come flooding back and for everything to fall apart. It is because the memories never left in the first place.
What is the point, apart from the emotional prison and misery that will continue to shatter your heart? Why do you do this to yourself?
Where is the Islam in such an approach to life?
WHAT IS OUR GOAL?
Sometimes, when certain wrongs have been committed, there are various means of recourse. In matters of personal property for example, one can claim rights against the wrongdoer through the proper channels. In matters of the heart, such remedies are not so obvious.
The believer knows that every act of injustice will be rewarded accordingly by Allah. From an action which hurts one’s feelings, to the stealing of another’s property, all will have to account to Allah for their actions on earth. There is even retribution for intangible wrongs such as emotional hurt, where the damage cannot be calculated in terms we understand. However, the believer knows that when they have been denied their justice on earth, they can still stake a claim against the wrongdoer in the next life.
If you believe in this, then entrust your emotional affairs to Allah, and let Him deal with the wrongdoer. If you have faith in Allah’s justice, you do not have to monitor the situation to assess the results, but simply trust that Allah will deal with the one who wronged you. A true believer has no time to recount bygone incidents like a broken record.
GETTING OVER IT
I am not saying that you should be a superhuman with no feelings. Hurt is a very real feeling, and it can cut deep. Emotional wounds take time to heal. However, what we should avoid doing is to continuously nurture the pain. We should confront the incident, but we should not dwell on the hurt. Islam is about moderation, including emotional moderation. One cannot mourn forever.
As a Muslim, the first thing we should do is to say “Alhamdulillah”. No matter the degree of pain or how broken we feel, there is a higher wisdom in it. Whatever the incident, it would not have happened without the will of Allah.
Instead of complaining and questioning His divine decree, we should question ourselves. There are a multitude of reasons why things happen. Sometimes, personal catastrophes are necessary for our personal growth. In others, it is Allah’s way of removing someone harmful from our lives. And in others, it could also be a call for deep introspection, to examine where we ourselves went wrong. After all, are we so perfect that we have done no wrong or hurt others, deliberately or by mistake?
The bottom line, however, is that the situation should make us reflect and move closer towards Allah.
We should always be thankful to Allah for giving us so many things that we never even asked for instead of looking at the things we couldn’t have..
This is a well written article. One must read and understand this, Quran – the ultimate solution to problems in mankind.
Jazaakumullahu khair. Came at
Jazaakumullahu khair. Came at th right time
Alhumdullilah ya Rabbul
Alhumdullilah ya Rabbul Alameen…
this is a very interesting
this is a very interesting article and as a mature woman of a lot of lifes experience and a grandmother …i advice the same although not inthe same depth to a lot couples who are struggeling intheir relationships…..mostly we find that the women have had to make extreme cahnges in their life styles, their way of life and end up getting bullied by in-laws and husbands extended family.And yet the mannever seem to think that he has to make allowances for his wife , who has to adjust to living in strange household and with new people, sh ehas left her loving parents and family and moved into hostile territory.
i wish more of our asians would accept that we are all muslims but come from different cultures and different parts of the world….some indiawala are still living the village mentality life, that they left in 1950s india…Islam is a pure and peaceful relegion.
Knowledge and Ethics are needed
Just what I needed to read to
Just what I needed to read to understand what I have put myself through and how I can remedy and fix it rationally in good time.
JZK..many thanks for the article.
my fiances mothers death
Hi. I love my fiance very much so does he. There are many shortcomings in our relationship too but we love unconditionally despite of all this ma sha Allah. He lost his mother several yrs back n cant get over it cz ge was extremely very close to her. I feel im perfect when it comes to handling him alhamdolillah but just that dnt know how to console him when he remembers his mother. Any suggestion/advice would be appreciated.
This article very true and in sight full,i am recently feeling some distress and cannot let go ,but reading this article made me realize that i am helping nobody,and destroying my self internally.
Asm, insha Allah we will
Asm, insha Allah we will publish an article on how to cope with loss soon. Please stay tuned, or alternatively, drop us an email at email@example.com so that we can let you know when it’s online. You can also drop us an email at the same address and we will try to help you insha Allah.
Subhanallah !!!!!! This
Subhanallah !!!!!! This article is related to my life . I am trapped in materialistic world which ended in emotional ,psychological and mental torture . I learned to say Alhamdulillah S bhanallah recite quran and pray with the help of islamic postings on facebook . My wife is lost in western world she became workoholic dollar addict for which I partly blame myself i dont want my daughter to end up on streets Please pray for my family . Jazakallah
very encouraging. i would like to ask for special dua during those times of hardships
Masha allah…such a soothing
Masha allah…such a soothing and enlightening read…the writer simply projects all the possible situations the heart deals with at such times..may Allah bless you..ameen
an eye opener , nice article ,
yes its true that it is very difficult to forgive people who have hurt u to a v large extent but it is also true that when u move on in life and Allah gives U much better things then there comes a stage where those hurted emotions doesnt matter anymore to U …
I just want to say dat some things obviously take time…. so as forgiveness .
After reading this great articles, I realised after 14 years had passed, I haven’t closed my chapter..sad but that is the truth…
allah love does who do good.
ALLAH LOVE DOES WHO DO GOOD
Thanks for the great article. I think i just needed this. True to what this article said,sometimes we ourselves go wrong and Allah has his own ways of showing that to us.
This was amazing to read
This was amazing to read,defanately applys to me,
Every pain has its end
Assalam o alaykum
Jazak ALLAH Khair for this article. I personally find it a good one in terms of relying Allah Alone and leaving the rest of the world aside. being a victim of domestic violence is really a hard reality not only in terms of suffering but also in terms of realizing that you are so vulnerable. The hardest moment comes when the circumstances are fabricated in a way to make you cry and shout but if you hold on your cries, your are tagged as being defensive as tortured for why you stay silent. what an irony.
some people are really heartless, no matter what ever you sacrifice or forgo for them, they are never satiated. to them your silence is irritating, your cry is annoying and your speech is intolerable — where the woman should go they when each and every of her action is being labeled as pretension – Only ALLAH ALMIGHTY at that time is there to heal you and comfort you. So stay positive, focused and determined and hopefully you will end up as a person with good grades to enter Jannah..In Shaa ALLAH
A very thought provoking
A very thought provoking article. Something many of us know but must be reminded of nevertheless. Logically written.
so much hurt
thank you for the article.. thank you so much, i feel like this is really for me,.. thank you, Jazaakallah…
Alhamdulillah.This is a well
Submitted by Mutawakil Saliu (not verified) on Wed, 11/13/2013 – 06:14.
Alhamdulillah.This is a well nourished spiritual diet.
Advice needed for the moment
Wsm. We are all human beings, no one is perfect, and we all make mistakes. The key is to learn from those mistakes and to pick yourself up after.
If you have reacted in anger after the incident, there are ways to make it right. Make taubah to Allah for your bad reaction, and also, try to mend the bridges with the person you have done the misdeed to. Make amends, apologise, seek his forgiveness. If this is not possible, then at the very least make dua for him and for his goodness.
May Allah be with you and make it easy for you, ameen.
Unable to forget?
Asm, the human heart is very fragile and can easily be shattered. However, one of the best ways to get it together is to focus on your own happiness, not on the life of the person who ruined your life. Let Allah deal with him, and Allah is just. However, deal with yourself and focus on your own happiness and well being. Forgiveness takes time, but don’t hold back your own shot at having a happy life – instead emerge victorious despite all the hurt you’ve been through. May Allah be with you, ameen.
Time to move on
Asm. Bad things happen, that is a fact of life. You have been treated unjustly and Allah will punish those who have been unjust to you and who have placed you in this position. However, it will not help your own healing if you alre constantly reliving the bad memories. I’m not saying that you should pretend they never happened, but rather, look forward. Forget the others who have wronged you, for Allah will deal with them, but rather, focus on your own healing, repairing your emotional, physical and psychological scars. Look forward, sister, not backward. Live day by day, and don’t let a bad memory ruin your day, instead, strengthen yourself, strengthen your iman, and slowly replace all the bad memories with good ones insha Allah. May Allah make it easy for you to get over all these terrible things which have occurred in your past, ameen.
Why does do this to ourselves? Nobody allows a trigger to take over and let things fall apart. It’s not a controlled behaviour, it’s a reaction. You’re making people feel bad about feelings that we mostly can’t control.
Have some shame.
Asm. There are those who want to grief and act as victim forever, and there are others that have moved on.
Look at the life of Rasulullah SAW and the Companions. Can anyone honestly say that they have been through worse torture, humiliation, oppression, and from those closest to them? Yet they did not spend their lives stewing in hatred and pain. They forgave those that hurt them, tried to kill them, and even the ones who killed their loved ones. The difference is that they had their eyes on akhirah while we want to keep on our vindictive hold on the past. Therefore we think that what WE have been through is worse than anyone else, our sadness is greater, our hurt is greater, and no one feels as much pain as we do. Somehow many people think that carrying on with grief is an entitlement.
A reaction cannot be helped, but it can be controlled. People shed tears of sadness, even our Prophet SAW. Yet, sunnah forbids us from going overboard in our grief. Sunnah tells us to be patient at the first hit. And numerous ahadith ask us to move on. The one who has done you wrong has probably moved on, meaning that if you are still hurt over a past incident, you are causing the emotional scars to yourself. If a wrong has been done to you, will carrying that hurt forever help you? Will weeping about it 5 years later get you anywhere? If you do not believe in the advice of Rasulullah SAW, then check out what the latest psychologists say about forgiveness and letting go.
A must read for every believer!
This is a well-compiled article and if applied in letter and spirit will have an overall affect on anyone’s personality.
Submitted by Ahsan (not verified) on Tue, 11/12/2013 – 11:30.
Jazakallah brother, I found this article in perfect time. I really am distress currently. Now I should return to Allah.
But brother, what if I already did some misdeed angrily after the incident? How to come over that second mistake?