What is the goal?
Many people misunderstand the purpose of marriage, and because of that, prioritize wrongly when it comes to choosing a spouse. For example, majority of people think that marriage is a means of physical enjoyment and material comfort, and therefore choose husbands and wives who are good looking or rich or with a high status. The goal and principal behind marriage has been overlooked, in fact, many are not even aware of it.
Some others are motivated by personal reasons – such as wanting to live an independent life away from parents, or because they are lonely, not because they have any particular long term goal or plan. Such people see marriages as a platform, but from that temporary platform, where do they go? That is why many marriages cannot weather a severe crisis – because it lacked an overriding purpose.
The physical satisfaction and companionship, which is what most potential husbands and wives look for in a marriage, is a gift from Allah, and a tiny enjoyment in light of the weighty responsibilities that are attached with this institution. When people get married with the primary goal of satisfying their base desires, there is a tendency for them to get bored once the thrill wears off, and then they find that the marriage is empty and lacking a concrete goal – in short, they hit a brick wall and are going nowhere.
In failing to understand the purpose of marriage, many people enter into this institution with a vague approach, not having an idea of what they want. The union lacks focus and direction. We have been indoctrinated with fairy tales and love stories from Hollywood and Bollywood, and have unrealistic ideas on what marriage is all about. Ultimately, when the novelty wears off, couples realize that marriage is a responsibility which many cannot shoulder. The husband offloads this responsibility to the wife and the wife offloads this responsibility to her husband – and both blame each other for the boredom, chaos and conflict.
Marriage is a Corporation
As women, do we ever consider whether the man has the qualities to be the future father and the anchor of the family, the one who will join us in the most important corporation on earth, which is the family unit? As men, do we analyse whether the woman is really the one who carries the quality to be the mother and teacher of our children and the partner of the achievement of our own goals?
Do we, as husband and wife, have a goal in the first place and get married to support each other to achieve this goal? Prior to the marriage, do we know what we want, on an individual level and what our expectations are from the marriage? When we see a potential candidate, do we have frank and transparent discussions on what we hope to achieve from the marriage and from each other? Things like physical beauty should not even factor into such discussion, as the real issues are significantly more crucial. If we do not address such fundamental issues, and have no commonality of purpose, one partner will head east while the other heads south, and the marriage itself is like a runaway train.
Think of marriage is a corporation. Every successful corporation has a goal, and they carefully select the suitable CEO and team to achieve this goal. All good companies have a mission statement – what their objectives are and what they need to do to achieve these objectives. Everyone has a role to play, and everyone is guided and united by the principles and charter of the corporation.
We should, when thinking of forming our lifelong corporation, think this way. We should not be hasty, emotional and materialistic in the decision making process. Otherwise, we risk the breakdown of the family structure, the children will be lost, and we will end up crying, blaming, complaining and feeling frustrated. There is little benefit crying over our decision when it is too late. However, because of our hasty judgment, the one that will suffer the consequences will be the children, society and the future nation.
Marriage is a lot larger than being a means to satisfy our individual needs for companionship. It is not fun and games where couples are eager to play “house” and have a new adventure. Each family unit that arises from our union can either be a pillar and part of the elevation of the message of Allah, or the cause of the disgrace of the message of Allah. Similarly, a family can either be the cause of strengthening the fabric of the nation and cause the elevation of the nation, or it can the tear in the fabric of the nation, and lead to the fall of the nation. There is no third option.
If you are not already married, think who you are, and which role you play, and which role you want to play.
