PART 1 – WHERE DO I BEGIN?
Our Relationship With The Creator
If you are looking for a husband or wife, go back to your goal in life and your relationship with the Creator. Our pillar in life should be the consciousness of Allah. If you fear Allah and your relationship or marriage is for Allah, Allah will regulate your relationship with each other.
Rasulullah SAW used to recite the following verses in his sermons on marriage:
Surah An Nisa, Verse 1: O mankind! Be dutiful to your Lord, Who created you from a single person (Adam), and from him (Adam) He created his wife [Hawwa (Eve)], and from them both He created many men and women and fear Allah through Whom you demand your mutual (rights), and (do not cut the relations of) the wombs (kinship).
Surah Al Ahzab, Verse 71: He will direct you to do righteous good deeds and will forgive you your sins. And whosoever obeys Allah and His Messenger (SAW) he has indeed achieved a great achievement (i.e. he will be saved from the Hell-fire and made to enter Paradise).
Surah Ali Imran, Verse 103: O you who believe! Fear Allah (by doing all that He has ordered and by abstaining from all that He has forbidden) as He should be feared. [Obey Him, be thankful to Him, and remember Him always], and die not except in a state of Islam (as Muslims) with complete submission to Allah.
When you look at these verses, it is a reminder of us as believers, that the pillar of everything is the taqwa of Allah – the relationship, respect and fear of Allah. In today’s lifestyle however, the opposite is now applied. People choose their spouses based on attraction, feelings and short term goals, undermining the other important purposes of marriage.
What do I want in Life?
A fundamental key to this search is to ask yourself what your goal is. Do you really know what you want? If you find yourself nodding, then try writing down what your objectives are in life. These should be clear and defined goals, not vague ones like “I want to be happy”, “I want children” or “I don’t want to live like that”.
Assess whether these goals are final and clear enough. Will you change your mind next week and come up with a different list?
If you do not know what you want, you are not ready to have a partner in your life. If you are unstable within, then it will be impossible for anyone to make you happy. If your values keep changing, or you are not focused – living in extreme dunia one day and looking for Allah another day, wanting to live in Asia one minute and Canada the next – no one will be able to keep up with you!
To know the kind of person you want as a spouse, you have to know who you are first, and from there who you need to help you achieve what you want.
Many youths are now unstable and have been corrupted by material pleasures. They have no idea what they want, their goal in life constantly changes according to the moment. What is the outcome of the marriage if both are clueless with no definite aim in life? If both get married for physical attraction, what will happen when the honeymoon is over? The couple enjoys an hour of fun, but what about the 23 hours of reality and responsibility that comes with the package?
Human beings grow according to their knowledge and understanding of life. For the majority, we act hastily, with arrogance and lack of maturity. Many get married when they are not yet stable and do not have a vision of life. Later on, when their maturity increases, or their understanding of life or goal changes, then the collision starts. That is why the secret is to do the homework now, not later on when years have gone by, by which time we already have children and find that we have picked the wrong spouse.
Marriage is not just a personal choice made for satisfying individual desires, because your spouse and your children pay the price if you choose wrongly. Choosing a spouse is not like choosing a t-shirt or a blouse that you can return if you do not like it. Husbands and wives don’t come with a receipt or warranty!
Therefore study, read and define yourself for the most crucial personal decision you can make in your life.
Before you ask for someone’s hand in marriage, ask yourself:
- What is my goal in life?
- What is my goal in marriage?
- Am I mature enough to enter married life?
- Am I ready to accommodate a spouse into my life?
- Do I have the qualities to be a parent?
- Can I carry out my role as the nucleus of society?
- Am I ready to be responsible for someone other than myself?
If you do not have clear answers to all of these, then you are not ready to be a husband or a wife. Don’t feel rushed or pressured if you are not ready. Being ready physically is not enough, you have to be ready emotionally, mentally and spiritually. Marriage is supposed to be a lifelong union, so taking a bit of extra time to make your decision is better than spending a lifetime in a sour or broken marriage.
Take time and develop yourself first, achieve stability of who you are and what you want, before entering into this very important partnership.